


Love Doesn't Die

by BastardSirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 19:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8546335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BastardSirius/pseuds/BastardSirius
Summary: This is a fic about the two people Sirius Black has loved most, and how the love developed. From throwing meatballs into women's hair to comforting one other in the middle of a war they weren't supposed to be in.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics from songs by: Sertab Erener, Christina Aguilera and Evanescence.
> 
> Also; looking for a beta if there's a patient soul out there that is willing!

**I.**

_Love, love doesn’t die. We do._

  
  
  
Sometimes, two people just _click_. Some call it electricity, some call it chemistry. Whatever it is called, there are just some people who, from the moment they’re past the first shyness (if there is any), can talk for hours about nothing and everything. They instantly become friends, comfortable around each other and loyal, even before they properly know the other.  
  
  
  
**“Did you see me throw that meatball in her hair? And she didn’t even notice!” Laughter which sounded more like giggling at that age.  
  
“I know – I almost choked on my pumpkin juice when I saw! Brilliant, mate.” The most sincere grin a ten-year-old can give.  
  
The usually long and boring hours passing by like a few minutes, and the bitter departure;  
  
“If you don’t owl me I’ll _kill_ you.”  
  
More laughter; the bark already there, eyes shining. “You better.”**  
  
  
  
  
  
That was the kind of relationship Sirius had with James. Neither were timid, especially not at the age of ten, so they’d immediately become best friends from the moment they met at a restaurant in Diagon Alley. Lucky for Sirius, Potters were a respectable pureblood family so the Blacks didn’t even try to stop him from sending back and forth countless owls and meeting with James all the time.  
  
Of course, even if two people become instant friends, there’s much more to be a gained. Familiarity, trust and mutual experiences. The seven years in Hogwarts were spent with nothing if not those and the testing of them. Through pranks, lessons, girlfriends, crushes and mistakes, Hogwarts had made them closer than they’d dreamt possible.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“Lily thinks I’m having an affair,” James says, and is rewarded with butterbeer being spitted all over his face. He sighs and cleans it with a flick of his wand.  
  
“Is she crazy?” Sirius can barely contain the endless laughter, James can tell, and smiles at Sirius’ attempts to not crack up.  
  
“She…” James blushes now, embarrassed for the first time in over four years. “Shethinkswe’resleeping.”  
  
“What? I couldn’t catch that, mate?” says Sirius but James can tell by his evil grin that Sirius either did understand, or is very eager to know what James is embarrassed about.  
  
“She thinks… that… we… we’re together.”  
  
“That’s usually a good sign, thinking you’re together. I don’t see what you mean.”  
  
“You can be incredibly thick after a few butterbeers, you know that? Is the sugar getting to you or something?”  
  
“I’ll let you know that I’m _always_ thick, in all the right places. Now elaborate; what do you mean?”  
  
James sighs a true sigh, his shoulders rising and falling dramatically. “She thinks we’re together.” Then he quickly adds, before Sirius can make a sarcastic comment; “‘We’ as in you and me. Padfoot and Prongs. James and Sirius.”  
  
For a few moments, Sirius says nothing. He sips his butterbeer and looks almost pensive. James almost sighs a sigh of relief when Sirius starts laughing so hard people are staring at them.  
  
Later, when they’re on their way back to Hogwarts James grins, calling Sirius a git, an arm over his shoulders.**  
  
  
  
  
  
After Hogwarts, as much as it threw the Marauders and everybody else apart, the war brought Sirius and James even closer. They were the only one the other could trust. Not only were they life-long friends – those days even they couldn’t be trusted blindly – but James was the one Voldemort was trying to kill, so obviously not on Voldemort’s side, and Sirius hated his family too much to ever work for a person they worked for. Everyone knew for sure that even if Sirius was the most evil person on earth he wouldn’t work for Voldemort.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“Sirius…are you alright?”  
  
“Oh not you too. Of course I’m alright. My only regret is that he was killed with a simple curse and with no real injuries; I wish the son of a bitch had suffered more.”  
  
“Sirius, it’s okay to be sad – he _was_ your father, however awful he might have been-”  
  
“Don’t call him that. He might have helped produce me, but that’s all he did. Now tell me you’ve brought me something to eat or there’ll be hell to pay. I’m, you know, in mourning and all, on top of being a growing boy – I _need_ to be well fed.”**  
  
  
  
  
  
When you can’t even trust your friends, when you can’t be sure the person you met on the way to the marketplace will survive the night, trust is something you really treasure.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“You don’t know how awful it is, James.”**

**James sighs, pouring some more firewhisky into Sirius’ cup.**

**“I know it’s hard Padfoot.”  
  
“No you don’t. You can – you can go to sleep next to Lily, without once thinking that she might kill you or me or Harry. You can – you can love her and laugh with her and just…just _be_ with her and feel no guilt.”  
  
Times that Sirius needs a hug are very rare as Sirius finds comfort in other things, but when they’re there James and Sirius embrace silently and, as comfortable as they are with each other, they never mention it again and they pretend it hasn’t happened and pick up from where they left off.  
  
This time though, Sirius actually cries into James’ shoulder and is shaking even as he pulls himself away from James. It hurts to see how the war is breaking his best friend.**  
  
  
  
  
  
After James’ death, Sirius never could quite get used to it. He kept hearing James’ voice in his head – oh, not in a mental-issue way, just… For example, he’d think about what James would say in almost every situation. How James would have laughed at a joke that Remus didn’t. In Azkaban and after it, Sirius always had two voices in his head; his own and James’.  
  
**  
  
  
  
When it’s time to visit Remus’ home, Sirius almost buys him flowers. Or chocolate. He finds he _needs_ to give Remus a gift of sorts.  
  
_Don’t be ridiculous,_ says the voice in his head, _Moony’d just get mad over it. You know how he hates being treated like a girl!_  
  
Of course the voice in his head doesn’t mention him being an escaped convict and not in position to buy any gifts, because the voice in his head is young and innocent and knows nothing about prisons and rage.**  
  
  
  
  
  
Usually, when someone passes away, we mourn. The stages of mourning may vary, but it is never eternal. After some point, we realize that the world has a right to keep turning (not stopping like we wish it would), and that there’s still a life to be lived. This might take a few days, a week, a month or a year. We think about them at times like Christmas if we were really close to them, and remember them when we see random things they’d have liked or when we eat their favorite meal. And yet we get over them somehow, used to a life without them.  
  
Sirius never did quite get over James. Having spent a good time of his life practically attached to James, Sirius almost couldn’t function without him in the world. Of all the people, James had been the one person Sirius really wanted to impress, to get the attention of, to please. James’ opinion mattered.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“Wh- what are you doing?”  
  
“What does it LOOK like I’m doing?” Sirius’ voice isn’t angry, but there’s a certain bitterness in it.  
  
“Why are you cutting your hair? I thought you liked it this way?”  
  
Sirius takes a moment to answer, looking at the hair on the ground. “It was a stupid thing to do; I look girly enough as it is.”  
  
Peter then remembers James telling that to Sirius over the Gryffindor table, and is surprised how the uncaring, rebellious Sirius cares so much about someone’s opinion.  
  
**  
  
  
  
When James wasn’t there to voice his own opinion, Sirius’ mind just simply came up with it on its own. He wasn’t buried in memories, but he couldn’t keep James’ voice out of his head either.  
  
Not that he wanted to.  
  
  
James could be gone but his effect on Sirius wasn’t. Their bond was still there. A hundred years could pass and it would still be there because James was a part of Sirius; his relationship with James continued, even if in another form.  
  
  
  
Their love never quite died that Halloween, nor after that.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**II.**  
  
  
  


_The mistakes, the promises, the ends and the beginnings._

_The lies, the silences, the jealousy and the departures._

_The regret, and the begging._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sirius’ first mistake, regarding Remus, was not believing his instincts. However much we like to imagine love as something sudden or at least something that blinds us to the flaws of the loved one, that is not so. Sirius truly didn’t think he’d fall for the silent, uninteresting Lupin.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“So, Lupin, what would the three things you’d take with you be, if you were trapped on an island? Ok don’t tell me – books, right?”  
  
“…first of all, that question makes no sense. How do I bring things with me if I’m trapped on an island? Also, why wouldn’t I just bring a broom, a wand and a portkey and get out of there? Hell, even one of those would be more than enough.”  
  
Sirius’ frown is so deep Remus fears he's insulted the boy, and blushes a little. It’s not like him to talk at all, let alone be so forward.  
  
“It’s just a question to make you tell your three most important possessions. Seriously, Lupin, you’re no fun.”  
  
**  
  
  
  
Surely he had fun with Remus and was undeniably attracted to him, but Sirius didn’t think he’d want a relationship with Remus; he’d get bored way too fast, and it wouldn’t do to lose a friend just because you got bored of a relationship with them.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“And who’s the lucky girl this week, then?”  
  
“What, Sirius has a new girlfriend? Already? How d’ya know?”  
  
“Tsk tsk, my friend – you have shared a dormitory with him for four years and yet you do not know? When Sirius wears his black jeans, it means he has a new girlfriend.”  
  
“But he only started dating Cassie four days ago!”  
  
“Please try and not talk like as if I’m not here,” Sirius half-shouts from the bathroom door, “And Cassie was the most boring cunt I have ever dated.”  
  
“Ah, but don’t you say that about everyone you go out with?”  
  
“Should say something about Hogwarts, I think.”  
**  
  
  
  
  
With this in mind, and knowing Remus fancied him, Sirius thought ‘friends with benefits’ would be the best thing they could be. He didn’t realize that him dating others all the time, not kissing Remus much and ignoring to acknowledge him as anything more than, say, Peter, would hurt Remus. He didn’t realize that when the day came that it hit Sirius that he wanted more than ‘friends with benefits,’ it would be a bit too late.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“Come on Moony, let’s do it.”  
  
“Excuse me?” Remus doesn’t even bother to blush because surely Sirius can’t mean _that_. Even though his lack of clothing – only a towel around his waist – and his head on Remus’ bed do suggest otherwise.  
  
“Let’s fuck.”  
  
“…what?” This time Remus does blush. If this is the way Sirius is planning to tease him... Remus knew that Sirius would tease him as soon as he figured out Remus fancied him, but this was a bit too far, even for Sirius.  
  
Sirius gets up then, sighing, and sits next to Remus. Remus doesn’t speak or even breath until Sirius unbuttons the second button of his shirt. “What are you doing?”  
  
“Undressing you. It is recommended before sex.”  
  
“We’re not going to have sex.”  
  
“Yes we are.”  
  
“You like girls.” It's a stupid thing to say, but it's the first thing that comes to Remus' mind.  
  
“I like sex,” Sirius says, as if it's an unarguable point, which it sort of is.  
  
Remus sighs. “Surely you won’t go that far to make a fool of me? Ha-ha Remus fancies Sirius – very funny, I know, but this is too far to be funny Sirius. Get off of me,” he adds when Sirius gets rid of his shirt and gets on top of Remus, half standing on one of his arms, and half letting Remus carry his weight.  
  
“What? You think I’m doing this to tease you?”  
  
“Isn’t that obvious? I don’t know how you found out – maybe Lily – but seriously-”  
  
“I’ve known you’ve fancied me for _ages_ , Moony, if that’s what you mean. I just didn’t feel like shagging you before now – usually the dormitory is way too crowded for that stuff; but today we’ve got it all to ourselves.”  
  
“It’s – I – what?”  
  
“Come on, help me out here – whoever convinced you to buy bloody muggle jeans with buttons instead of a good old fly must die a painful death – what the fuck is this, your security against rapists or something?”  
  
**  
  
  
  
It was seventh year when it hit him. They’d been ‘friends with benefits’ since fifth year and not even The Prank had made him realize. After The Prank, Remus had cried, or so Sirius had heard, but hadn’t said a word to Sirius about it. Sirius had been feeling guilty, especially after James’ lecture, but when he saw Sirius Remus had only told him that there was nothing to forgive, and that he wasn’t mad at Sirius.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“No he didn’t.”  
  
“Yes he did, James; he told me that he wasn’t angry with me, and that there was nothing to forgive.”  
  
“Nothing to- he could have been EXECUTED! What does he mean, nothing to forgive? What did you tell him, Sirius, to make him say that? I’m sure you somehow made him feel guilty because-”  
  
“Just go ask him yourself if you want to – I walked in and he smiled at me, telling me that I shouldn’t be scared because he wasn’t mad at me, unless I was planning on not bringing him some chocolate frogs and his homework later. Then when I said I was sorry, he just said that there was nothing to forgive.”  
  
“That’s…that’s so odd.”  
  
“Why? Nobody was harmed in the end, is it so odd that he forgives me?”  
  
“It’s – he was _crying_ Sirius. The first time I ever saw him cry.”  
  
Sirius just shrugged, thinking that Remus probably had been crying because of the pain.  
  
**  
  
  
  
At the time Sirius had thought it Remus’ kindness and not wanting to lose his friends, perhaps. He didn’t realize that in Remus’ head this was confirmation that Sirius would never love him, so he should settle for what he had and at least have Sirius during Hogwarts.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“I don’t see why you let him date other people.”  
  
“Don’t be ridiculous Peter, what will I do, tell him not to, because I say so? Why should he stop dating because I say so?”  
  
“If you refused to sleep with him if he didn’t stop, he would.”  
  
“Why? It’s just fucking to him,” Remus sighs.  
  
“Exactly – the girls…he doesn’t care about any of them. It’s just sex. You he keeps returning to; so he must at least like the sex.” Remus isn't sure why, but Peter seems to honestly care.  
  
“…your mind works in ways I will never understand Peter. If I asked for that, it would ruin the whole fuck-buddies thing, and he wouldn’t want that. It’d make us, like, a couple or something, which we will never be," he says, trying not to sound too bitter.  
  
“How can you be so sure?”  
  
Remus takes several moments before he answers, something that could almost be called sadness flashing in his eyes, perhaps an unshed tear. “I just can.”**  
  
  
  
  
  
When seventh year came, though, Sirius came to find that he wanted to live with Remus. He wasn’t really jealous of James wanting to move in with Lily instead of him because he understood; he wanted to wake up with someone in his bed too, that someone being, for him, Remus.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“I’m moving in with Lily! She said yes! She said YES, Padfoot!”  
  
Sirius grinned, clapping him on the back. “Good for you, mate!”  
  
“Oh…oh I’m sorry I won’t be able to get a flat with you, Sirius.”  
  
“Don’t be ridiculous; even if we had shared a flat, you’d always either bring her over or be at her house anyway. Quite pointless, really.” He then reduced his grin to a smile, showing that he was sincere. James sighed a sigh of relief and grinned back.  
  
“Thanks mate. You could- you could share a flat with Remus? I know Peter already has plans with Cassie, but Remus should be free, as far as I know. Plus, he could do with someone to share the rent with.”  
  
Sirius’ smile disappeared for a second and he looked pensive. He imagined what it would be like, and then slowly his grin came back. “Yeah, yeah I think I will, actually.”  
  
**  
  
  
  
Remus put up an unexpected fight over this, saying that he could manage well enough on his own and didn’t need Sirius’ money. With a little help from Lily that Sirius would never afterwards admit to having, Sirius succeeded in making Remus believe that Sirius really liked him, and might even love him. It took him a whole year of making up for his mistakes, and he had thought he hadn’t managed it, even after all that, but then the day before graduation, during the rehearsal, Remus had smiled at him.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“You know, Sirius – if the offer still stands, of course – I wouldn’t mind moving in with you. I had made some arrangements but I think I can-” Sirius had never found out what he could do, because, all else forgotten, he’d kissed Remus at that moment, feeling lightheaded and dizzy and wonderful.  
  
The world suddenly made sense in the way that it does when you’ve had a bit too much dope, or too much firewhisky. Sirius was drunk on happiness and for the first time – even counting all of seventh year – all Sirius could think about or see was Remus.  
  
**  
  
  
  
Sirius was really proud of himself then; didn’t even feel the weight of all the promises he’d made to Remus during that year. Didn’t even feel the least bit scared or unsure, believing he could keep all his promises easily.  
  
  
  
The day they graduated, Peter and Lily cried, and the rest of the Marauders were pretty damn close. It was unexpectedly difficult, leaving Hogwarts. They had all loved it of course, but the excitement of finally being of age, being an adult, being free, had made them forget what they were leaving behind, until they went to their empty dormitory, and found they had no words to explain what they were feeling, no words to say goodbye to this room that had seen so much.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“This is the end of an era, my friends,” Sirius says finally, while the other were wandering slowly around the room and smiling at random things like a broken chair or missing handle.  
  
“Yeah,” James says slowly, “We will never be the same.”  
  
Sirius looks almost confused, then says with a little pout: “Well, that too. But most of all; HOGWARTS will never be the same without US. Just imagine; no Marauders! This place will be dead without us, aye.”  
  
“Maybe someone will find one of our secret meeting places, or the map?”  
  
“You have too much faith in the fools, James; nobody could get that map from Filch’s office if _we_ couldn’t.”  
  
**  
  
  
  
It was true, in many ways. Even though, as we all know, there were a few people that did good to their memory, Hogwarts was never quite the same; it changed, like everything else does, with time. James was right too; they were never the same either. Many things changed them, from being an adult to the war, and they were never, ever the same.  
  
It was also true that it was the beginning of many things.  
  
  
  
**  
  
Sirius groaned in disapproval when Remus made a move to get up. Remus sighed and was trying to find his slippers when Sirius pulled him to himself, making Remus lie down again.  
  
“I need to get up, Sirius, make breakfast and all that.”  
  
“I ’nt mo’ ’n wi’ ’oo so you c’d stay ’way fr’m me.”  
  
“That makes no logical sense, Padfoot,” Remus said, but was grinning and snuggling up to Sirius. He still couldn’t quite believe his luck; he was actually _with_ Sirius. Not friends, not fuck-buddies, but _lovers_.  
  
“Fuck logic.” Sirius was fully awake now, in many ways, as he showed by humping Remus’ leg softly.  
  
“Ah. Okay then. For a moment I thought you’d rather bugger me – but it seems you and this Logic person are getting a-” he was cut off by a morning-breath-smelling, sloppy kiss, but he would be lying if he said that he minded.  
  
**  
  
  
  
Sirius didn’t lie much to Remus. If he was off to have sex with someone else, he told Remus so. Sirius didn’t need to hide anything, for which he felt proud, in a twisted way. Every time he told Remus he was off on a date and saw Remus’ eyes water up a little and go dead, he thought to himself _at least I don’t need to hide anything_.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“Where’re you going?” Remus’ voice was tired, as if he asked this every night, which it felt like, to Remus.  
  
“To a bar; find someone to shag and all that.” Sirius had been sweating and breathing heavily the first time he’d had to think up a lie of the sort, when he was going to James’.  
  
“It’s only seven o’clock.” Remus didn’t even bother to look at him anymore, or raise his voice a little.  
  
“So? I didn’t hear of a rule telling me when I could or couldn’t get out of my house.” It was things like this that got Sirius mad the most; Remus not reacting. He didn’t see that as Remus having given up then; he saw it as Remus no longer pretending to love Sirius, to care. He knew that even though it was just a little reference that could have gone unnoticed by anyone else, the ‘my house’ comment would hurt Remus. Sirius had taken weeks to convince Remus that he didn’t have to pay rent because it would be ridiculous, what with Sirius owning the place and clearly not needing any money.  
  
Yes, the ‘my house’ comment would hurt. He concentrated on that, and Remus’ reaction, instead of the fact that he had to lie about going to his best friend’s house.  
  
  
  
**  
  
They didn’t talk much anymore. Sirius found that he had no kind words left for Remus. Remus, up until a few weeks ago, had always at least asked how Sirius was doing. After that morning, all that was left in the apartment was silence.  
  
**  
  
  
  
“What’s that smell?”  
  
“I… I burnt the bacon.” It was the morning after full moon and Remus’ hands were shaking uncontrollably under the bandages; he had to transform alone again as Sirius refused to keep him company, Peter surely couldn’t handle the wolf alone, and James was in hiding. Remus suspected nobody even knew that Sirius wasn’t with him during transformations anymore. Usually Sirius wouldn’t have even let him out of bed the morning after full moon, even if he had no injuries, but this morning he hadn’t hesitated in coming into the living room and waking Remus up, telling Remus he was hungry.  
  
“Aren’t you good for anything? You can’t even make fucking breakfast. You should be put down or something.”  
  
  
  
**  
  
Even as Sirius was drifting farther and farther away from Remus, he found that he became ever the more possessive of him. He would get mad if Remus left the flat for anything but work – and even then he asked Remus exactly what minute his job let him out at and how long it took him to get back. Remus had been shocked at first, but obedient. He still did have to leave mysteriously sometimes, telling he was doing things for Dumbledore and Sirius, oddly enough, was more worried about Remus having an affair than him going to Deatheater meetings.  
  
He felt lightheaded and dizzy, and not in the good way. Once he’d hit Remus, just to make him react, make him shout, walk out on him, do _something_ because if Remus – ever practical, ever wise – was putting up with this, surely the reason he stayed wasn’t love for Sirius. They didn’t even sleep in the same bed anymore. Surely Remus wanted information. Yet maybe he didn’t.  
  
His head was buzzing and the room was blurred.  
  
  
  
**  
  
“Where were you? This is the bloody third time I’m asking it, for Merlin’s sake!” Sirius shouted, but Remus still hadn’t quite gotten over the slap he’d just gotten and was staring at Sirius with wide eyes, mouth shut close and chest unmoving, apparently not needing to breathe just then.  
  
Sirius did hate it that Remus didn’t seem to love him anymore, but that didn’t change the fact that he loved Remus. He hated himself for it, but he loved Remus just the same, even if he was a Deatheater, even if he was helping Voldemort kill Lily and James.  
  
He couldn’t stand the scene when he saw Remus’ eyes water up and his hand softly trace where Sirius’ hand had met his cheek.  
  
He pulled Remus to his arms and apologized, kissing his hair. Remus hung on like there was no tomorrow – which there wasn’t – and cried silently into Sirius’ shirt, breathing deeply either because he was crying or because he wanted to smell Sirius, or both.  
  
It was the closest they’d been in months, and Sirius was almost grateful.  
  
  
  
**  
  
Sirius’ departure wasn’t anything fancy, really, like one would’ve thought. It was just another night and he’d left while Remus was in the kitchen, pouring himself some water – Remus probably hadn’t even sensed that he was gone, seeing as they didn’t see each other often, even if they shared a flat.  
  
  
  
**  
  
“I hate this,” Sirius told himself inside his head, looking at Remus from the edge of the kitchen door. “I hate suspecting you. I hate loving you. I hate suspecting you because I love you. I hate you giving me reason to suspect you. I hate you not loving me anymore. I hate…I hate this. I loathe how empty your eyes look. I loathe how lifeless you seem.” It was useless, thinking these things, he knew; but Remus was bony with white spots on his already fair skin, and his hands seemed to always shake now, even if it wasn’t even close to the full moon. He was trying to get himself a glass of water, but spilling most of it on the table and only a few drops into the glass itself.  
  
Sirius almost made a move to go help him but then remembered that he needed to check on Peter. It wasn’t a usual day for him to check; he checked once every two days, and he’d checked yesterday. Still, he felt something wasn’t right, somehow, so had decided to check on Peter today as well.  
  
He was silent as he left, and was gone before he could hear the glass shattering.  
  
  
  
**  
  
Sirius regretted a lot during Azkaban. Yet most of all he concentrated on his hate towards Peter. He spent his time blaming himself only for things about Peter, and blaming all else ON Peter.  
  
He didn’t think about the things before, he didn’t think about how he himself had treated Remus – it had all been Peter’s fault.  
  
When he saw Remus for the first time, though, sitting in the teacher’s booth during a Quidditch match, he felt his heart stop for a few moments. Remus was old, but Sirius didn’t see years on Remus’ tired face and graying hair; he saw hurt.  
  
**  
  
  
  
He had never been able to bear even the thought of Remus hurting, and it was all he could do to keep himself from running up there and holding the man close.  
  
The man. Remus had grown. Sirius had too, he supposed. They weren’t children anymore. Remus wouldn’t forgive him as easily. It hadn’t been a prank; it had been months of emotional torture and a big lack of trust.  
  
No, not even if his name was cleared, Sirius would never be able to make Remus’ face young again, make the hurt pass, make the years without Sirius disappear.  
  
It would never be the same, Sirius realized then. Remus wouldn’t forgive and forget, like he had in the past, even The Prank. He found that he regretted the way he’d treated Remus, the way he hadn’t trusted Remus the most. Like he had trusted James and James had trusted him, Sirius should have given Remus his trust, and found out that the obvious spy was Peter as it certainly couldn’t be either James or Remus.  
  
Regret is an awful thing to bear, especially if you’re all alone, half-starving and with nothing to do but think.  
  
  
  
**  
  
Sometimes, not even hearing the words is enough. It’s one of those cases, when Sirius finally gets the forgiveness he’d been begging for silently in his head for months.  
  
  
  
**  
When, in the shack, Remus tells Sirius that he’ll forgive him if Sirius forgives Remus for thinking HE was the spy, Sirius has nothing to say. He finds that he isn’t even remotely close to relieved.  
  
_It’s just not the same thing…_ He tells himself. _I thought you were the spy when there was no proof, and I treated you awfully for it. God knows what you thought back then, how you could bear that._  
  
Later though, when he’s pouring Sirius some tea, Remus smiles and Sirius finds that perhaps there’s still a chance for him to get the forgiveness, really deserve it. Just like in seventh year really. A bit harder, yes, but he’s a man now, his life _should_ be a bit harder than that of a teenager’s. He can handle it.**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**III.**  
  
  
  


_Here we are, safe at last._

_We can breathe a sigh._

_It seems the storm has passed._

_Through it all, no one knew,_

_That all the tears in heaven_

_Would bring me back to you._

__

 

__

 

_It only matters that we both believe._

_You and me, we’re a miracle._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It does take time, but on a random day, over morning coffee Sirius realizes that, finally, they’re truly a couple again. They’re comfortable around each other again, none of the primal awkwardness left, and they joke and they laugh and- and it’s wonderful. Sirius can’t risk staying for too long so he only stays a week once every two weeks, but two weeks a month is enough to heal most of the wounds, it seems.  
  
  
  
**  
  
“Maybe I should come with you when you go. We have so much to talk about…so much time to make up for.” They’ve finally told each other that they still love each other, and it’s finally time to talk about them instead of Peter and Harry, and Remus finds the two-week-long interruptions a bit bothersome.  
  
“Way too suspicious Moony, I’m sorry. If you kept going on a vacation in a pattern, it would be noticed. I’m sure there werewolf registry does more than just one check every month.”  
  
It’s true, but Remus still doesn’t like it, so he pouts. When he realizes he’s pouting, he grins because he feels young again; upset about not being able to see Sirius as often as he would’ve liked; pouting like a little kid.  
  
Sirius must’ve noticed too, because soon they’re kissing and laughing on each other’s lips.  
  
  
  
**  
  
They talk about things only once or twice, in the beginning. Afterwards they find that they don’t need to talk or think about the past. Things will be fine now; as fine as they can be. Sirius' name will be cleared soon enough, he’s relatively safe, and they think that this has made them stronger, not weaker.  
  
  
  
**  
  
“I just… He was so _weak_ , you know? And I thought he had no reason to – We all treated him well, he had a nice job, and even a decent-looking girlfriend. I thought – I thought maybe you were mad at the ministry because I sure as hell was, the way they treated you – and – and –”  
  
**  
  
Of course none of them wished it would take this to make them closer, and they wouldn’t trade James and Lily’s lives for anything, but it was undeniable that if they loved each other still, it was a sort of miracle.  
  
**  
  
“You know, Moony,” Sirius says, voice muffled by Remus’ hair in his mouth, as he snuggles closer to Remus, spooning him.  
  
“Mm? I know what?” Remus’ voice is sleepy, and Sirius knows he hasn’t quite woken up yet.  
  
“I still can’t believe I have you again. I’m… it’s so… it feels unreal. Too good.”  
  
Remus is grateful that he has his back turned against Sirius so he can’t see Remus’ dark blush; when he was young Sirius might’ve found it cute but he was a grown man for Merlin’s sake, he shouldn’t blush at the smallest hint of romance.  
  
“I can feel you blushing you know.” Sirius grins as he plants a small kiss on the back of Remus’ neck.  
  
“Don’t be ridiculous, Sirius, you can’t _feel_ a blush.”  
  
“Ah so you _are_ blushing? I am right, as always.” Remus wants to make a teasing comment about Sirius being full of himself, but Sirius is still vulnerable and caves back when Remus acts like he used to when they were young, teasing Sirius and making joking comments about his arrogance and his being a slutty poof. In the old days, Sirius would’ve known Remus was just messing around – but after Azkaban Sirius was expectedly shy, and moments like this – Sirius being cocky and cheerful like he used to be – are very rare, and Remus treasures them.  
  
So he just smiles, turns his head to plant a small kiss on Sirius’ cheek – which ends up on his eyebrow – and goes back to sleep.  
  
It takes a lot of effort and being careful on both their parts but if they believe, they can achieve anything, even get back to their old selves or at least be happy, Remus thinks.  
  
  
  
**  
  
They manage to be happy, even in Grimmauld place. If anything, they’re even happier there because they get to see each other, at least until Dumbledore starts sending Remus on long missions. Still, the happiness of his coming back home is worth it. Sometimes Remus worries about leaving Sirius alone for days – or once or twice, weeks – at a time but there’s nothing he can do, and Sirius tells him that Remus shouldn’t worry about him.  
  
Remus can still see it taking a toll on Sirius though. Sirius is even more eager to see him each time he gets back, and they tell him it’s amazing how much Sirius can change – he’s miserable while Remus isn’t there!  
  
They say that thinking it’ll make Remus feel good, knowing he makes Sirius happy, but it only succeeds in making Remus worry even more.  
  
On an early summer day though, Remus wakes up to find Sirius in the kitchen, frowning at the newspaper, obviously wishing he was out there fighting, doing _something_ to help.  
  
  
  
**  
  
“You make me happy, you know,” Remus says softly, and Sirius is startled – he looks towards the door and blinks at Remus.**

**“You make me happy,” Remus repeats, a bit slowly, as if talking to a child. “This will be over soon enough, we’ll get Pettigrew, we’ll get your name cleared. We… we will be in bliss again; living together in our own flat and all that. But…but in the meanwhile…you make me happy. I love having you to come back to; I wish I didn’t have to go on missions, yes, but it’s worth it because I know I’ll see you when I get back and we’ll kiss and talk and just…just be. Even just seeing you makes me happy. Please don’t dwell on the war. Remember James and Lily? They’d sworn to not take the war inside their door, whatever happened, they wouldn’t let it make them sad while they were home. Even when they were in hiding, even when they had to move every few weeks they were all smiles and hope when they were home.**

**“Don’t think about the war. Don’t wish you were going on missions. This is the boring part of the war; we have no real information so there are no battles or chasing down Deatheaters. I just go and talk to people, asking them if they’ll join Voldemort because they shouldn’t. It’s only a small relief when and if they agree not to join Voldemort. It's rare that they do and it's easier to say you won't join Voldemort before he treathens you and your family, and promises you the world; or human rights, for most of the people I go to negotiate with. I’d rather stay here and spend every day with you. I’m not helping any more than you are. Don’t think you’re useless; you make me happy and give me a reason to fight.”  
  
It was too emotional a speech to be given over morning coffee, but Remus found he had to give it before he burst – up until now he hadn’t said much to comfort Sirius, not anything as meaningful as this. Sirius looks confused for a bit, but then smiles and there’s the hint of a blush on his cheeks.  
  
Remus sits next to Sirius and holds him for a bit, whispering “I love you,” countless times into Sirius’ hair because it’s true and it needs to be said. “I love you and everything will work out, I promise.”  
  
  
**  
  
It’s just another challenge really. They’ll make it through. They’ll be truly happy again. In fact, they have happiness now; they have each other and that’s enough, for now. Remus is right; the _real_ fight hasn’t started yet, and surely Sirius will be allowed to participate in that at least.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
_The softly spoken words you gave me…_

_Even in death our love goes on._

_And I can’t love you_

_Anymore than I do now._


End file.
